this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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