I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Houston, we have a squirter
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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