I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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