Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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