why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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