end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
