Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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