You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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