I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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