I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
