If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The feeling are messing with the penis
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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