Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He shit in the fireplace
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
