whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
