I think I am morally bankrupt
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
