i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
