Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
