you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
