You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
