Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
