I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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