true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
