are you so shy because you have an std?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
