She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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