Swine flu is the new snow day.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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