He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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