So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
