The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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