we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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