I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
