Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
