a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
