My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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