I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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