I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
