I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
