I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
