Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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