the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
