I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
