Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
