one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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