dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the day after is always just damage control
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
