just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dicks are not precious.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
