i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
