Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
