Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
