Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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