so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
