You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
