I am spending my child support on dildos
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
