he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
