you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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